Faux Twitter

Erin Andrews Is A Very Serious Journalist & Deserves Respect

2009-08-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

I deserve to be taken seriously as a journalist, dammit.

Erin Andrews August 24th Twitterberry

Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush Call It Quits: Will The Tush Now Pitch For The Dodgers?

2009-07-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

Now I have time to make my dreams come true & pitch for the Dodgers. I'm sure nobody will mind the red pumps.

Kim Kardashian 5:12 PM July 27th

Joe Montana & John Elway Have Some Advice For Brett Favre

2009-07-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

I don't care what Joe Montana says about my situation. I'm still conflicted & everybody is just going to have to wait until I make up my mind.

Brett Favre 10:18 PM July 26th

Ben Roethlisberger Responds to Assault Allegations

2009-07-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I did not have sexual relations with that woman...Ms. McNulty. Just look at her. C'mon.

Ben Roethlisberger 9:10 PM July 23rd

Peephole-Gate Update: Erin Andrews Responds to Columnist Christine Brennan

2009-07-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Playing to the frat house? I was videotaped without my consent in a hotel room. Watch out Christine Brennan - I'm coming after you with my curling iron!

Erin Andrews 10:52 PM July 22nd

Ben Roethlisberger Asaulted This Woman Too...Even Though ESPN Won't Report It

2009-07-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I ASSaulted this fan too, however, I'm pretty sure she enjoyed the back door lovin'. Hopefully ESPN won't report this story either.

Ben Roethlisberger 10:04 AM Twitterberry

Peep Inside The Hole Of Erin Andrews

2009-07-18T13:50:00.001-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Now Tim Tebow isn't the only one who has peeped into my hole. Thanks to that video there are a couple million other guys too.

Erin Andrews 11:56 AM July 18th

Sarkozy Says He Likes Big Butts

2009-07-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

What can I say? Sir Mix-A-Lot and I like what we like. The girl had a very nice derriere and I took a few seconds to admire it.

Nicolas Sarkozy July 10th 6:16 PM

Sarah Is Lookin' Forward To Life After Politics

2009-07-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

The heck with all this partisan politics stuff. I'm goin' fishin' & huntin'!!

Sarah Palin 11:20 PM July 7th

Sarah Palin To Host Talk Show? You Betcha

2009-07-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

I have a higher calling in life and have decided to become a daytime talk show host. Look out Oprah, I'm comin' after ya.

Former Governor Sarah Palin 12:31 AM July 5th

Simon Cowell Needs To Make A Lot More Money

2009-06-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

$36 million a year for "American Idol" is OK, but I really need to make at least $100 million so I can afford to feed my family.

Simon Cowell 12:42 PM June 30th from Twitterberry

Jon & Kate Are Irate

2009-06-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson's death was a very sad story, but now nobody is talking about us anymore. It's just not fair!

Jon & Kate 4:44 PM June 27th

Michael Cera Is Not Funny

2009-06-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

A dead man has about as much range as I do as an actor. Maybe I'm just not that funny. "Year One" is bombing and I must be the reason.

Michael Cera 7:00 PM June 23rd

Fathers Day Is Very Busy For Evander Holyfield

2009-06-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

Shawn Kemp is on Easy Street. Since I have 11 kids with 9 different women I'm simply exhausted on Fathers Day. Can't Keep all my kids straight.

Evander Holyfield 9:09 June 21st

Hillary Clinton's Face Just Before Falling & Fracturing Her Elbow

2009-06-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

I was just on my way into the White House & tripped over a jump rope. I'm really not very happy with Sasha and Malia right now.

Hillary Clinton 10:22 PM June 17th

The Latest From Professional Football Player & Waffler Brett Favre

2009-06-16T00:12:00.000-07:00

I know 90% of all sports fans think I'm a publicity whore, but I don't care. I'm going to milk this as long as I possibly can.

Brett Favre 12:06 AM June 16th

Is Will Ferrell's Act Wearing Thin?

2009-06-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

"Land Of The Lost" made how much this past weekend? Hmmmm...maybe I need to come up with a new act.

Will Ferrell 12:22 PM June 15th

Shaq Headed To Cleveland To Play With LeBron?

2009-06-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

First I was the Big Aristotle, then the Big Cactus, and soon I could become The Big Mistake On The Lake.

Shaquille O'Neal 9:21 AM June 14th

Stan Van Gundy Rates His Performance In Game 4

2009-06-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Up 3 points with less than 10 seconds to go...maybe we should have fouled Fisher. I'm an idiot. What else can I say?

Stan Van Gundy 5:51 PM June 12th

Sarah Palin Is Fightin' Mad

2009-06-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

You are a big meanie, David Letterman. Stop pickin' on me and my family.

Governor Sarah Palin 4:10 PM June 11th

Adam Lambert Is Gay: In Other News Grass Is Green

2009-06-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

I know all my fans are shocked because there is no way to tell based on the sound of my voice and the way I dress & look.

Adam Lambert 8:04 AM June 10th

Kobe Bryant Relieved That Lakers Lead Series 2-0

2009-06-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

At the end I just fuck it, I'm going 1 on 4. Hedo blocked it clean & Alexander almost made us pay with less than a second to go. A win is a win though.

Kobe Bryant 12:05 AM June 8th

La Russa Settles Suit With Twitter Over Fake Account

2009-06-06T05:26:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I won my lawsuit against Twitter! Disneyland? Hell no. I'm going to party with Scott Skiles...the only man in the world who smiles less than me

Tony La Russa 5:15 AM June 6th

Tony La Russa had been in the process of suing Twitter because a faux account "damaged his reputation and caused emotional distress." However, late yesterday afternoon the suit was settled with Twitter agreeing to pay La Russa's court costs and making a donation to his animal rescue foundation. I guess all's well that ends well. Here is a link about the suit and another one about the settlement.

Warren Sapp Is An Intellectual Despite Evidence To The Contrary

2009-05-31T10:18:00.001-07:00

I may act like a clown sometimes, but I'm actually a pretty bright guy. In fact, I may be the only hope for peace in the Middle East.

Warren Sapp 9:29 AM May 31st

Fake Twitterers: Diddy Will Lock You Out

2009-05-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

Here is the message that greeted me on twitter.com/iamdiddy as I tried to check Diddy's latest tweets on two of my computers earlier today:

This person has protected their updates.

Yes, it appears as though two of my IP Addresses have been banished/banned. Diddy will not permit me to read his tweets anymore and I've been locked out. It's a good thing I have a 3rd computer and later tonight I'll check on the status of that IP Address. I'll keep you posted...

Diddy Now Has 1 Million Twitter Followers

2009-05-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

LET'S GO!!!!!!!! LOCK IN!!!!!!! Here we go! Let's go for 2 Million. Let's Go!!!!!!

Diddy 8:13 AM May 27th from Twitterberry

Kobe Bryant Has A Message For LeBron James

2009-05-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

LeBron who? I'm still the top dog in this league. People call him King James? Shit, I'm still the King of the NBA.

Kobe Bryant 6:02 PM May 24th

King James Leads Cavs To Dramatic Win

2009-05-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

Never a doubt baby...never a doubt. Even with one second left I knew the shot was going in and we were going to win!

LeBron James 8:10 AM May 23rd

Leaf Indicted On Burglary & Drug Charges

2009-05-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

The 16 stands for how many million dollars Alex Spanos paid me for sucking. The Colts made a good decision picking Peyton 1st.

Ryan Leaf 4:45 PM May 22nd

Ricky Rubio Tells Memphis & Oklahoma City To F@ck Off

2009-05-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Donde son Memphis y Oklahoma City? There's no way in hell I'm playing in either of those ciudads!

Ricky Rubio 12:23 PM May 21st

Blake Griffin Is Headed To The Clippers

2009-05-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I don't mind playing for the Clippers, but can a new coach be hired? Mike Dunleavy doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

Blake Griffin 12:06 AM May 20th

Pelosi Solidifes Position As Most Despicable

2009-05-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Damn the facts, I'm sticking to my story. By the way, did you know I am the 3rd most powerful person in the country?

Nancy Pelosi 12:05 AM May 19th

Chucky...er...Jon Gruden Joins MNF Booth

2009-05-18T08:47:00.001-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I am really excited about joining Mike & Jaws in the booth this season. I hope they don't mind all the f-bombs that I'll be dropping.

John Gruden 8:45 AM May 18th

Last Minute Instructions From Phil Jackson

2009-05-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

OK Kobe, just do whatever it takes to get us a victory. If you have to shoot 35 times so be it.

Phil Jackson 12:29 PM May 16th

Name That Diddy

2009-05-15T00:15:00.000-07:00

Tweet/Countertweet

Puff Daddy, Puff, P Diddy, Diddy...what should I call myself next? How about just D?

Diddy 12:06 AM May 15th

Now here is a tweet from Diddy's Twitter account...http://twitter.com/iamdiddy

Did I tell yall I love jello?????11:38 PM May 12th from TwitterBerry

Kenyon Martin Has A Message For Kobe Bryant

2009-05-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Sorry Kobe, it's not happening for you this year. We're going to kiss you goodbye. The Nuggets are going to the Finals!

Kenyon Martin 8:57 AM May 15th

Drew Rosenhaus Is The Best...Just Ask Him

2009-05-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

Tweet/Countertweet

I am the best sports agent alive today. Terrell Owens is nothing without me. Absolutely nothing.

Drew Rosenhaus 12:09 AM May 14th

Now here is an actual tweet from the Twitter account of Drew Rosenhaus at http://twitter.com/RosenhausSports:

Saw Star Trek with Jared Gaither of the Ravens. At 6"9 he is the tallest player in the NFL. I felt bad for the people sitting behind him.

Drew Rosenhaus 11 Hours Ago

Kanye West Is No Diddy: Isn't A Fan Of Twitter

2009-05-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Diddy can tweet all he wants. I DON'T LIKE TWITTER & I'M PUTTING IT IN CAPS. BTW, I might have some anger management issues.

Kanye West 8:08 AM May 13th

Here is Mr. West's entire anti-Twitter blog rant...

“DON’T HAVE A F****** TWITTER… WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I’M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I’M NOT AND I’M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN’T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON’T HAVE A F****** TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT… THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN’T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT’S A F****** FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW …. WHY? … BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!”

Star Trek Looks Like A Very Entertaining Movie

2009-05-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I tried to put together a cast to appeal to the non-paste eating, Dungeons & Dragons playing and pocket protector wearing crowd.

J.J. Abrams 12:06 AM May 12th

The Mouth That Roared: Mark Cuban

2009-05-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Every Denver Nuggets player is a thug. Their mothers are too. Especially Kenyon Martin's mother. She's Queen of the Thugs.

Mark Cuban 12:53 PM May 11th

Jonathan Rhys Myers Talks About The Tudors

2009-05-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I usually fall asleep while watching the show. However, a lot of people seem to like it for some reason.

Jonathan Rhys Myers 6:39 AM May 10th

Za Za To Inherit $100 Million...If He Marries

2009-05-09T11:20:00.001-07:00

As soon as I tie the knot there is $100,000,000 coming my way! Suddenly I just got a lot more attractive.

Za Za Pachulia 11:22 AM May 9th

Brett The Waffler Weighs In

2009-05-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I'm going to wait until Vikings mini-camp ends & the Manny story dies down. I have to be the top story at all times.

Brett Favre 1:05 PM May 8th

They Got Me. Estoy Atornillado.

2009-05-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Lo siento mucho. Estoy jodido. I'm busted. See you in 50 games.

Manny Ramirez 2:24 PM May 7th

Favre To Meet With Brad Childress Tonight?

2009-05-06T11:36:00.001-07:00

We'll be talking about hunting. I'm retired. I do have the itch to play again though. Getting revenge against GB would be nice.

Brett Favre 11:36 AM May 6th

Favre Is Destined To Play For The Vikings

2009-05-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

I don't care about my age. I'm still as good as Brady & Manning. I know I can take Minnesota to the Super Bowl.

Brett Favre 5:01 AM May 6th

That Can't Be Kelly, Can It?

2009-05-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

I wonder if anyone knows that I was in "Top Gun" and "Witness"

Kelly McGillis 11:50 AM May 5th

Jackman Can't Believe Wolverine Is A Blockbuster

2009-05-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Really? Are you serious? You're kidding, right? I guess I have 87 million reasons to smile!

Hugh Jackman 12:06 PM May 4th

The Birdman Has Taken Flight

2009-05-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day - Honorable Mention

Bring on the Lakers. We're going to take them down!

Chris Andersen 5:58 AM May 4th

Scallie Comes Through For The Celtics

2009-05-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Kevin who? When a big bucket is needed, just give the ball to Scallie.

Brian Scalabrine 9:32 AM May 3rd

Kevin Garnett Is A Ticking Time Bomb

2009-05-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

If we don't win the game tonight I may have a brain aneurysm on the bench.

Kevin Garnett 12:19 AM May 2nd

Bill Simmons Is Now A Twitterer

2009-05-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

Tweet/Countertweet

Actual tweet from the new Twitter account of Bill Simmons:

Also, we created a Facebook page for my book. Have to log in to see it.

10:05 PM April 30th

Now here is a faux tweet:

Larry Bird didn't do anything to piss off Julius Erving. Dr. J just grabbed his neck for no reason. Bird was only defending himself.

Bill Simmons 8:03 AM May 1st

Kim Kardashian Is A Role Model

2009-04-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Since Sean Hannity said I'm a good role model it must be true. All little girls should aspire to grow up to be just like me.

Kim Kardashian 12:15 AM April 30th

Vick Free In Three

2009-04-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day - Honorable Mention

The Bengals are on "Hard Knocks" this year? I'm heading to Cincinnati! Can't wait to play with Tank, Ocho Cinco & Chris Henry!!

Mike Vick 12:04 PM April 29th

Byron Scott Is Doing A Great Job

2009-04-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

121-63 is only 58 points. Not bad at all. I've been up all night working on a game plan for tonight & we should be able to say within 30.

Byron Scott 12:49 AM April 29th

Porky Sends First Tweet

2009-04-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

My sincere condolences to all the families, but we're getting a bum rap. Swine flu has nothing to do with eating pork. Spread the word.

Porky Pig 12:04 AM April 28th

Matthew McConaughey Looking For His Shirt

2009-04-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Honorable Mention - Tweet Of The Day

"Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" comes out on May 1st! Sorry ladies, I was forced to wear a shirt for most of the movie.

Matthew McConaughey 12:18 PM April 27th from text

Al Davis Is An Absolute Genius

2009-04-27T08:15:00.001-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Darrius Heyward-Bey will lead us to the Super Bowl this season. Fuck it. Next year I'm taking Usain Bolt in the 1st Round.

Al Davis 8:04 AM April 27th

Stacey Is Simply Dashtacular

2009-04-26T06:56:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Hollywood execs are CLUELESS. Look at me. I'm 43-years old and should be on the A-List. Am I wrong?

Stacey Dash 6:26 AM April 26th

Rise & Shine! It's Erin Andrews Day

2009-04-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

NFL Draft? What Draft? Everybody is tuning in to ESPN today to watch me
Erin Andrews 5:37 AM April 25th

The Fabulous Fabricio

2009-04-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

So what if I'm the 12th man. I outscored that scrub Duncan last night 10-4. I'm a stud. It must be the cool hair.

Fabricio Oberto at 12:24 PM April 24th

Now for our first Tweet/Countertweet feature. According to Athlete Tweets (see Sidebar) over at sportsfanlive.com here is an actual tweet from Fabricio:

finished practice, now trying to get lunch with Manu
12:08 PM April 24th

Honestly, which one do you prefer?

Lefty Is The Best

2009-04-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Professional Golfer Phil Mickelson
6:27 AM April 23rd

Man, the shit is about to hit the fan. I'm not going to be smiling in a few weeks when my life becomes a soap opera.

Honorable Mention

Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino
6:56 AM April 23rd

At least you have a few weeks, Lefty. I had to send my son to the University of Florida to avoid the shitstorm that is brewing here in Kentucky.

Down Goes Dikembe

2009-04-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Tweet Of The Day

Injured center Dikembe Mutombo at 9:06 AM on April 22nd

Me like cookies. Who wants to sex Mutombo now? Knee hurts. Sex make Mutombo feel better.

Mr. Moore Is Now The King

2009-04-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Best Tweet Of The Day

Actor and Twitter King Ashton Kutcher
4/21/09 at 7:47 a.m.

I have 1 mil.+ following tweets like: I feel like I'm running for class president. I'll get us pizza 4 hot lunch on Tuesdays & Fridays!

Honorable Mention

NBC Commentator and Sports Illustrated writer Peter King
4/21/09 at 7:05 a.m.

Brett Favre's asshole smells like a bed of roses. It was a bit of a tight squeeze getting in, but my oversized cranium now has plenty of room

Talk Show Host Oprah Winfrey
4/21/09 at 8:17 a.m.

Steadman doesn't like me twittering. I need to get rid of this beard asap with help from my strictly platonic best friend Gayle.